During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
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He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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