: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
