i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
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