She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
