The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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