I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
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She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
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He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum