I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.