I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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