No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
