Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
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we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
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And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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