Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
