she was so not down for the gang bang
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
