just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
