If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
So much rum. So many feels.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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