He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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