so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
