Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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