I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
