OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.