I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.