I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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