I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
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She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
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Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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