On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
