I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
false alarm. still invincible.
birth control should be required to get into college
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
