dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.