Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested