eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
