low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
