I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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