Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
