I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
