I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it