sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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