im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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