im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
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