we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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