Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???