why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
