It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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