I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
