he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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