do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
