Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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