this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Guys Hate When Girls Do These 29 Cringeworthy Things
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
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Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.