24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.