Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
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Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
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I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?