dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
