I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
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He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
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Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize