Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
