Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
