8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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