do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
