I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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