This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
