dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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