There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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